How to Be with a Suicidal Friend
I've been truly suicidal twice in my life. But I've lived with clinical depression most of my adult life.
I was a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid. Just ask my parents. Somewhere around age 30, I got hit with a whole wheelbarrow of emotions, and the tendency to cry when absolutely nothing was wrong. And it's never left. This post is not about that. But you can read about it here.
The first time I was in a place where I could have truly committed the act? It came on suddenly. You NEVER hear that. There's this idea out there that people who kill themselves have been in the throes of depression (secretly or openly). I'm here to tell you, THAT is not my experience. I was NOT in a season of melancholy leading up to this night. I was with friends, and had a moment of feeling acute rejection---which was not detectable to them. It was a thought which grew into a big, black cloud in a matter of hours. By the time 2 of them had dropped me off at my apartment, I was swirling in deep, black darkness. It's tough to even describe, but as surely as I've felt the presence of God----that night the presence of evil wrapped itself around me like the worst kind of blanket, and slowly began to suck the life out of me.
I was absolutely despondent and filled with a deep sense of hopelessness. More than anything, I wanted to go and jump in front of the E train which was a few blocks away. Only sheer exhaustion kept me from doing it.
I'm not going to pretend my experience is the same as everyone else's. But, besides that night---my first 2 years back in the Northwest? I prayed every day for God to kill me---or to let me go home, to heaven. And I entertained suicidal ideation for years---as a way of escape, any time life got tough and for a long time after New York? Life was always tough. I've been around the block a few times on the suicide thing.
So here's my best advice on what to say, and NOT to say.
1. Offer absolute acceptance and love and not one shred of judgment.
If your friend has told you they are suicidal, they are handing you a huge gift of trust. In the two times I was suicidal---I could not tell a soul. In fact for me, one of the things which has to be present for me to truly be capable of the act---is I have to feel cut off from my main support system. Something has gotten in the way of those closest friendships or I wouldn't feel what I feel.
2. Don't give advice.
The sheer level of grief a suicidal person is experiencing is life draining. They are exhausted. Having to listen to someone go on and on about how they overcame something or having to hear a person talk down to them (no matter your intentions, this is how it will come across) while pretending to be grateful will drain them further, and make them feel more like a loser.
3. Listen, listen, listen
Find out what has been happening in their life. What brought them to this place? What would give them hope? What do they feel like they need right now to make life worth living? What are they angry about? How can you best support them in this time?
4. Know that talking about suicide is not going to make them more likely to commit it.
If they have opened the door and invited you in, telling you they want to die---they need to talk about it. They want to talk about it. Find out how long they have been thinking about it. Find out how they intend to carry it out. (If they have a plan on how to end their life, stay with them until you feel they are out of danger, or until someone else can be there, especially if they have the means at their disposal to do it.)
5. Help them discover why they want to kill themselves.
In most of my suicide ideation? I am hurt by someone close to me and want revenge. I want to take my anger out on myself so that whomever I'm mad at will be sad and I'll get even. Sometimes, though---it's just an escape---the same as a movie might be. Having a "way out" can provide comfort when the pain is sharp.
Some people kill themselves over despair over their future, feeling trapped in an oppressive work environment or relationship. Some people panic when big world events happen like the stock market crashes. There will always be an element of hopelessness in a suicidal person. The key is finding out what is making them feel that way.
After you've helped someone figure out why they want to die, gently lead them to alternatives which might accomplish their true goal. So, for me? Reminding me of how the person I'm angry with has shown me love would help. Or reminding me of upcoming events I want to be present for might help.
6. Be real
The two things which made me stop even thinking about suicide are these:
1-I read about all the attempts gone bad. The internet is full of stories of individuals who tried to kill themselves and the aftermath they now live in. Turns out? It's not that easy to do. And people mess it up ALL THE TIME. And live maimed the rest of their life. Scary stuff.
2-It's a hard question theologically. And not one I suggest you broach with certainty. But I've come to the personal conclusion that suicide is murder. And unrepented murder. I don't want to take a chance on eternity with that on my record. Scary stuff.
Yes, I would talk to suicidal people about these two things. It might be the only thing which saves their life. They might get mad. But mad energizes. And energy is good.
7. Do not take the stance that the person "just wants attention."
First of all, SO WHAT IF THEY DO? I have no problem giving the homeless money EVEN if I know they'll use it to drink---because Damn it, if anyone has a right to drink---it's someone with no home!!!! (Most people drink for much less!) If someone is in despair enough to outright ask for attention by saying the "S" word-----WHY WITHHOLD IT?
Second, being suicidal invites shame. It is a TOUGH thing to admit out loud even to those close. People don't throw that word around lightly. If a person admits to feeling this way, and you have any ounce of love for them (or humanity) take it seriously. Smother them with love. Where did we ever get this idea that giving someone what they are asking for LOUDLY is less worthy than giving it to them just because???? (Yes, this attitude makes me absolutely crazy.)
Third, most suicidal people are not just wanting attention. If they are talking about it, then they are thinking seriously about it, and are in deep pain.
8. Keep treating them normal.
After the crisis has passed, be normal. Don't walk on eggshells around them. Check in on them, but don't tiptoe. Ask them for favors. Make them feel needed. Tell them your problems. Maybe not the next day, but let them know you still see them as a whole, sane, wonderful person that you love, want in your life, and even need.
Sooner or later, we all encounter people in crisis. Sooner or later, we all are the person in crisis. We all need one another, and we can all be the friend that comes alongside.
If you're ever feeling suicidal, message me or call me.
Here's another option I've used from time to time:
Be well, friends.