How to Be with a Suicidal Friend

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I've been truly suicidal twice in my life.  But I've lived with clinical depression most of my adult life.

I was a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid.  Just ask my parents.  Somewhere around age 30, I got hit with a whole wheelbarrow of emotions, and the tendency to cry when absolutely nothing was wrong.  And it's never left.  This post is not about that.  But you can read about it here.

The first time I was in a place where I could have truly committed the act? It came on suddenly. You NEVER hear that.  There's this idea out there that people who kill themselves have been in the throes of depression (secretly or openly).  I'm here to tell you, THAT is not my experience. I was NOT in a season of melancholy leading up to this night.  I was with friends, and had a moment of feeling acute rejection---which was not detectable to them.  It was a thought which grew into a big, black cloud in a matter of hours.  By the time 2 of them had dropped me off at my apartment, I was swirling in deep, black darkness.  It's tough to even describe, but as surely as I've felt the presence of God----that night the presence of evil wrapped itself around me like the worst kind of blanket, and slowly began to suck the life out of me. 

I was absolutely despondent and filled with a deep sense of hopelessness.  More than anything, I wanted to go and jump in front of the E train which was a few blocks away.  Only sheer exhaustion kept me from doing it.

I'm not going to pretend my experience is the same as everyone else's.  But, besides that night---my first 2 years back in the Northwest?  I prayed every day for God to kill me---or to let me go home, to heaven.  And I entertained suicidal ideation for years---as a way of escape, any time life got tough and for a long time after New York?  Life was always tough.  I've been around the block a few times on the suicide thing.

So here's my best advice on what to say, and NOT to say.

1.  Offer absolute acceptance and love and not one shred of judgment.

If your friend has told you they are suicidal, they are handing you a huge gift of trust.  In the two times I was suicidal---I could not tell a soul.  In fact for me, one of the things which has to be present for me to truly be capable of the act---is I have to feel cut off from my main support system.  Something has gotten in the way of those closest friendships or I wouldn't feel what I feel.

2.  Don't give advice.

The sheer level of grief a suicidal person is experiencing is life draining.  They are exhausted. Having to listen to someone go on and on about how they overcame something or having to hear a person talk down to them (no matter your intentions, this is how it will come across) while pretending to be grateful will drain them further, and make them feel more like a loser.

3.  Listen, listen, listen

Find out what has been happening in their life.  What brought them to this place?   What would give them hope?  What do they feel like they need right now to make life worth living? What are they angry about?  How can you best support them in this time?

4.  Know that talking about suicide is not going to make them more likely to commit it.

If they have opened the door and invited you in, telling you they want to die---they need to talk about it.  They want to talk about it.  Find out how long they have been thinking about it. Find out how they intend to carry it out.  (If they have a plan on how to end their life, stay with them until you feel they are out of danger, or until someone else can be there, especially if they have the means at their disposal to do it.)

5. Help them discover why they want to kill themselves.

In most of my suicide ideation? I am hurt by someone close to me and want revenge.  I want to take my anger out on myself so that whomever I'm mad at will be sad and I'll get even. Sometimes, though---it's just an escape---the same as a movie might be.  Having a "way out" can provide comfort when the pain is sharp.

Some people kill themselves over despair over their future, feeling trapped in an oppressive work environment or relationship.  Some people panic when big world events happen like the stock market crashes. There will always be an element of hopelessness in a suicidal person. The key is finding out what is making them feel that way.  

After you've helped someone figure out why they want to die, gently lead them to alternatives which might accomplish their true goal.  So, for me?  Reminding me of how the person I'm angry with has shown me love would help.  Or reminding me of upcoming events I want to be present for might help.

6. Be real

The two things which made me stop even thinking about suicide are these:

1-I read about all the attempts gone bad.  The internet is full of stories of individuals who tried to kill themselves and the aftermath they now live in.  Turns out?  It's not that easy to do.  And people mess it up ALL THE TIME.  And live maimed the rest of their life.  Scary stuff.

2-It's a hard question theologically.  And not one I suggest you broach with certainty.  But I've come to the personal conclusion that suicide is murder.  And unrepented murder.  I don't want to take a chance on eternity with that on my record.  Scary stuff.

Yes, I would talk to suicidal people about these two things.  It might be the only thing which saves their life.  They might get mad.  But mad energizes.  And energy is good.

7.  Do not take the stance that the person "just wants attention."  

First of all, SO WHAT IF THEY DO?  I have no problem giving the homeless money EVEN if I know they'll use it to drink---because Damn it, if anyone has a right to drink---it's someone with no home!!!! (Most people drink for much less!) If someone is in despair enough to outright ask for attention by saying the "S" word-----WHY WITHHOLD IT?  

Second, being suicidal invites shame.  It is a TOUGH thing to admit out loud even to those close.  People don't throw that word around lightly.  If a person admits to feeling this way, and you have any ounce of love for them (or humanity) take it seriously.  Smother them with love. Where did we ever get this idea that giving someone what they are asking for LOUDLY is less worthy than giving it to them just because???? (Yes, this attitude makes me absolutely crazy.)

Third, most suicidal people are not just wanting attention.  If they are talking about it, then they are thinking seriously about it, and are in deep pain.

8. Keep treating them normal.

After the crisis has passed, be normal.  Don't walk on eggshells around them.  Check in on them, but don't tiptoe.  Ask them for favors.  Make them feel needed.  Tell them your problems. Maybe not the next day, but let them know you still see them as a whole, sane, wonderful person that you love, want in your life, and even need.

Sooner or later, we all encounter people in crisis.  Sooner or later, we all are the person in crisis. We all need one another, and we can all be the friend that comes alongside.

If you're ever feeling suicidal, message me or call me.  

Here's another option I've used from time to time:

http://www.samaritans.org/

Be well, friends.

We are the Church

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There are 2 words which disturb me deeply, because they contradict scripture, and yet have been accepted by most Christians as true.  Those 2 words are sociopath and psychopath.

Both disorders are characterized in part, by psychologists, as being individuals who are unable to empathize or show remorse.

The problem is, the Bible does not agree with these descriptions.  In Ecclesiastes 3:11, we learn that God has "set eternity" in the hearts of men.  We know from 1 Timothy 2:4 that God desires for all men to come to a knowledge of the truth.  This would not be possible if there were those born without a conscience.  (Apostasy is acknowledged in scripture.  However, apostasy comes AFTER one has known and had relationship with God.)

Sometimes, as believers we forget our charge to discern truth.  As society around us grows darker and darker, what seemed bad 20 years ago, doesn't seem so bad anymore.  If we hear things often enough, we begin to assimilate them into our world view, without checking them against scripture.

As salt and light in the world, we cannot afford to abdicate our responsibility to exercise discernment.  If we do, we lose what sets us apart and makes us the hope of the world.  

It always surprises me when I hear of Christians being sent to secular counselors and therapy groups.  Though psychology has things to contribute to our lives, and Christian therapists and authors such as John Townsend and Henry Cloud have contributed much to our understanding of the soul, the church IS the hope of the world.  It IS the vehicle God designed to effect change in the earth.  The Bible HAS the answers we seek.  A pastor familiar with the word always trumps an unbeliever with familiarity with textbooks, following the world's system.  

(I'm not judging individual believers who seek secular counseling.  I've been to secular counselors myself.)  But the counsel I've received from my pastors, has been 200 percent better than anything the world has offered.  

This isn't a post about psychology.  It's a post about discerning between dark and light, evil and good.  About not swallowing every idea that the world puts forth as truth.  It's about judging all things by the Word, and calling good those things God calls good, and rejecting what God rejects.

We are the church.  We are the hope of the world.  We are light, we are salt.  We must maintain the difference which sets us apart, if we are to accomplish the mission Jesus saved us for.  

The Summer of Jack & Marvin

When I was really young, my mom helped co-lead a neighborhood youth group, called "HIM Club" or "Heaven-in-Me Club."  

I don't remember much, because I was probably 4.  But I do carry several pictures of that season with me.

I have a strong memory of one particular night.  We had a BBQ or picnic of some sort and were out on one of the big lawns that existed on Alice Island in those days.  I have feelings and impressions more than sharp imagery.  Here's what I recall:

I remember singing "It only takes a spark, to get a fire going . . .and soon all those around can warm up in it's glowing.  That's how it is with God's love.  Once you've experienced it, it's fresh like spring, you'll want to sing.  You'll want to pass it on."  

I remember that as young as I was, I knew every word to that song, I remember looking around as were were singing, I remember the peace, I remember the warmth, I remember community.  

And I remember Jack & Marvin.  Jack & Marvin (whom we always referred to as one entity) were these 2 college age men, who were with us for the summer.  I remember their faces and builds---but more than that, I remember that anyone who was around them left happy.  I remember them joking around with people, I remember they noticed me and played with me, I remember the joy they infused into the atmosphere, that warms me still today when I think of them, I remember HAPPY.

The whole scene warms me, because it was my first (probably literal) Kum Bah Yah moment.  Community.  Unity.  

I know that that moment existed because of the reality of what we were singing about---the love of Jesus.  

But, I believe this memory in me is strong because of the example of love I saw embodied in 2 kids who chose to give their life away for a summer.  Looking back as an adult, I'm sure they had issues, I'm sure they had many reasons to disqualify themselves.  I'm sure they are not aware of the impact they likely had on many.  

I'm definite that they would never guess that a 4-year old all grown up still remembers them and counts them blessed.

The people you put before your children matter.  Your kids have a spiritual radar and can be helped or harmed by those you surround them with.  Even the little ones.  

---

Photo cred: Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

If You're Ever in Bend . . .

The Harris Family

The following is a note previously published on Facebook.  It is about 2 families I had to say goodbye to awhile back, and the process of releasing them.  If you're ever in Bend, Oregon look up Epikos Church or Bend UpCycle and go say hello.  They are some of the friendliest (and in one case, craziest) people you'll ever meet. 

Learning to Let go (Lessons from the Bend Team)

They say there are 5 stages of grief: 

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance                                                                                                                                                       

As the team headed to Bend prepares to leave, my stages have gone more like this:

1) Shock

2) Anger

3) Deep sadness

4)Denial                                                                                                                                

I'm hoping to stay in denial a few more years, and be pleasantly surprised whenever we have visitors. 

I grew up in a small town in Alaska where it was normal for people to come and go.  Alaska is the land of adventure where many people come for a few years, only to move on when the sense of adventure (or jobs) dries up.  Most Seniors in high school go away to college or move "Down South"--a healthy alternative and rite of passage to today's overprotected generation whose parents insist they go to school in their hometown and can't endure empty nest syndrome long enough to let their newly adult children grow wings of their own. 

As a kid, I learned to say goodbye a lot.  College was no different.  I made some of the deepest (and most playful) friendships of my life, only for us all to be scattered 4 years later, rarely together since.

But nothing really prepared me for the Harris's announcement.  Oh, I had heard things over the years, and had noticed their frequent out-of-town invitations to speak.  But none of it phased me, because I knew God would never let them leave.  City Harvest needed them too much.

Like Bob and Sue, their touch reached everyone.  Somehow, even with 6 near-perfect kids to raise, they found time to come alongside us, and speak a quick word.  One of encouragement, one of faith, one of great belief in who we are, and who we are destined to become.  They chose to coach by affirmation, and I soaked it up, since its my love language.  In a big church where everyone is serving, they SAW me, even in the little moments and breathed "MORE, MORE"  in every interaction. 

So when Pastor Bob started to make THE announcement, and my eyes took in the front row, with every single Harris having their own seat (That never happens), I realized with all of you what was happening.  And I wept.

By the end of the service, I was angry.  And disillusioned.  Why would God take THIS family from us?  Hadn't He taken enough?  I arrived at CHC right about the time J.O. and Raydean were leaving, but I didn't know them well enough to grieve.  Next to go were Matt and Lisa, our "original" members and a couple I never thought would go.  We felt the pain of one of Bob's arms being cut off and the adjustments as new arms were grown and the body was strengthened again.  The next wave was 3-fold as we bid the Horns, Gallis, and Harveys farewell.  I remember in that season coming across a post by Casey saying goodbye to Access.  I misunderstood and thought he and Brandy were leaving too, and though I didn't know them well at the time, started to cry.  I hadn't realized how much the goodbyes were affecting me. 

But nothing prepared me for the Harris announcement. I remember praying over them months before at a joint house church meeting.  God gave me the word "NO LIMITS,"  but I immediately qualified, "That doesn't mean you have to go start a church."  They evidently didn't listen to that part. 

When Andy and Keri announced a few weeks after the Harris's (over FACEBOOK no less), I wasn't surprised and was already grieving them.  Keri would often start sentences with, "If Phil and Shanda ever go start a church and we go with them . . ."  It took 4 kids to remind them what the rest of us had always known.  There are certain relationships that are called and yoked in covenant and God honors that. 

In fairness to Andy, he DID tell our house church first.  5 minutes before the world knew.  Via Facebook.  Facebook.  Maybe it was 2 minutes.  Had you been at that first house church after their announcement, you would either have thought we hated them, or that we loved them passionately.  No one said, "Congratulations!" No one encouraged them in their exciting new phase of life and how the Lord was leading them on a great new adventure.  We yelled at them.  We mocked them.  We disowned them.  We calmed down and heard their passionate retelling of how their CHILDREN heard from the Lord and how confirmation after confirmation came.  Then we yelled at the children, and mocked them and disowned them.  We weren't ready.  We still aren't honestly.   

Andy's modus operandi is something like this.  1st week new person comes:  HI!  Welcome to house church!  We're going to put you in the middle and pray over you.  2nd week:  Hey!  So glad you came back.  You're giving a word tonight.  You have 5 minutes to find a Bible verse and prepare something.  What's that?  You've never held a Bible before?  That's ok---here's mine.  God will help you.  Just go do it.  I used to hide in closets.  You don't hide in closets do you?  No? Great you'll do fine!"     

(After working behind the scenes a bit, I now know the conversation Andy and Keri had 5 minutes before everyone walked in.)  

Andy:  What are we going to do tonight?

Keri:  I don't know . . .let's do the egg game.

Andy:  No, we just did that 2 weeks ago.  People will remember.

Keri: They might not.

Andy:  Oh, I know.  I'll just assign all of our new people to give a word. 

Keri: How many new people are coming tonight?

Andy:  Only 8.  Slow night . . .                                                                                                                                 

Keri works a little faster than Andy.  Upon seeing a new person at church:  Hi, I'm Keri.  You ARE coming to our house church.  It's already decided.  By the way, I have this party in December . . .what's your name again?

As August approached, I waited for the deep grief of impending loss to abate.  I WANTED to be happy for Phil and Shanda.  I wanted to be happy for Andy and Keri.  They ARE going off on a great adventure.  A city WILL be shaken, God WILL move, and every team member WILL find their place and see their gifts grow in a new day and new annointing.  Jesus will be lifted up, people will be saved, and a new story will be written.  It's a GOOD thing.

But the joy didn't come.  Then the Lord reminded me of how action can sometimes shift emotions.  So I started collecting boxes for Phil and Shanda.  These cardboard things which will ultimately help carry them further away.  Yet as I have determined to serve them (in a small small way), the emotions have begun to shift.  I've found myself praying for them, for Bend, for a people I don't know crying out for fresh bread.  I spent time with their daughters and imagined them growing up with parents who held nothing back, running after the full call of God on their lives, jumping off cliffs in faith, expecting God to catch them, lives lived without limits.  I saw the daughters leading worship, prophesying, witnessing, and building the Kingdom of God---not someday, but in a few months.  I've lived long enough to know the need can pull it out of all of us, even as children.  They will be part of the great adventure of faith and destiny that we are all called to.

I haven't reached the final stage of grief yet:  ACCEPTANCE.  Where you let go and release the people you love to their calling.  Maybe by August. Or maybe the first time I get to visit Epikos and Keri finally cooks me the pie she owes me.

One thing I know.  I will always be grateful to Andy and Keri for believing in me in the NOW and not waiting until the NOT YET to put me to work.  And like Phil and Shanda, I will always seek to SEE people in their big and small moments in the Kingdom and prophesy MORE! MOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRE! into their spirits.  Even if it's not Tuesday.  :-)

Andy & Keri 

Epikos Church

For Better or For Worse

I attend a warm, friendly church in Vancouver, WA where Jesus is lifted up, and the presence of God is treasured. We have small group meetings during the week called "House Church" that become like minature families.

A few weeks ago our house church pastor posed the question, "What brought you to this church, and why do you stay?" A week or two later our discussion focused around staying put in difficult situations. These questions and our discussions have been tumbling around in my spirit, begging expression.

Maybe it’s in part because I’ve seen so many give up on church.  Or give up on the particular body they were in community with, the people they had invested years of time with.  It seems like there’s been a lot of folks walking away lately.

There are a lot of reasons people leave specific churches, or the institution of church altogether. Doctrine, job relocation, disillusionment, a breakdown of relationships, stagnancy . . .offense.

The reality of life is . . . stay any place long enough, and offenses come. Make deep enough connections and open your life up . . . there will be inevitable hurt. Relationships are messy. We live in a fallen world, with others equally as marred by sin as ourselves. Offenses will come.

The question is: what do we do when offenses come? And then more come? What if they come at an inconvenient time, when we are already dealing with something bigger than ourselves? What if they come in groups, not singly? What if our offenses are with those we trust to watch over our lives? What if our quarrels are with those whom usually speak hope and comfort? What then? What if the wound is to our spouse? Or to our child? What if the wound is in the name of love, but we don't agree with the judgment?

What do we do when we know we've been legitimately hurt, but the individual causing the pain won't admit wrong, won't apologize, and expects us to bear all of the blame? What if the one who hurt us is being promoted? How many offenses, or how many hurts have to happen before we're willing to walk away?

These are questions I've had to deal with as a Christian, either personally, or as one watching friends battle offense.

I don't have all the answers. But I do know I'm staying put where I am. Why? I thought you'd never ask.

1-Wherever there are people, there will be pain. Escaping to a different church when hurts pile up might be a quick fix, but stay long enough for relationships to be meaningful? And more offenses will come.  Why walk away from relationships it’s taken years to cultivate?

2-We learn by gathering our crop. Ultimately, we reap what we sow. We have to stay in a place long enough to gather our harvest. If we don't like our harvest, then it's time to plant new seed. If we never stay in a place long enough to see what our seed has produced, how will we ever know to change our planting?

3-It doesn't pay to run from God, or the dealings of God. Jonah was assigned to preach to his nation's enemy. He ran the other way and ended up smack dab in the belly of a whale. Running from God never ends well.

If you've been in church for any length of time, you've probably observed that a fair amount of people's offenses are with leadership. Often time, these offenses come because leaders have given feedback to a person. Not the warm, fuzzy kind. But the "I'm telling you this because I love you and you need to change" kind.

If you get this kind of feedback, trust me, it's the worst time to run. My pastor says this, "If a pastor expresses a concern about something, it's like the Holy Spirit yelling to get your attention." I have found this to be true.

It's also true that if you run, you're just setting yourself up to learn the lesson again someplace new.

4-True character is forged in the crucible of true relationships. True relationships (the kind where you can share anything and the friendship has made it past a fight and there's covenant) take time to grow and develop. God often uses these covenant relationships to change us the most. Staying put allows time for these friendships to be cultivated and grown.

5-The good is still good. No matter what offenses I may encounter, the things which I love about my church will always be true. The worship is great, the preaching is balanced and convicting, the leadership LOVES their flock, people are real, it's ok to not be perfect, and when we party, we party. Why in the world would I ever give up a great place because it requires me to forgive? And work on my stuff?

I believe that where we choose to go to church is almost as important as whom we marry.  And the commitment is one worthy of deep commitment and loyalty.

Hupomone is one of the Greek words translated "patience" in the Bible. It literally means "to stay under." Dr. Jim Cecy says, "Hupomone speaks of the ability to stay under something without buckling from the weight of it. It doesn't avoid painful circumstances; it learns through them. It never gives up. It is the mark of the truly mature believer."

I choose forgiveness, I choose hupomone, I choose to stay in the place God has planted me.