I used to think I was a good listener. I was wrong. I was just an introvert. Given the choice of listening or talking, I felt more comfortable listening.

I would listen, and I would track what the person was saying and give eye contact and make appropriate affirming comments. I would rarely interrupt, and I would wait until the person said everything they wanted to say before entering the conversation. And often, I would connect my comments to the topic at hand. I thought I was doing it right—-and I would skip the parts of books which talked about listening well.

I would have given myself an A. Now—-I would give myself a C.

A few weeks ago a friend asked me if her husband whom I don’t know well could interview me for a class. I enthusiastically agreed because who doesn’t want someone asking them deep probing questions and listening to their answers while taking notes? I’m self-aware enough to know that this would be an hour of pure bliss for an introvert who at times wants to talk more but feels stuck in the listener role or at times is afraid of long sound bites and only shares in short answers until a person or group is deemed safe.

The interview experience turned out to be much more than that for me. For an hour and a half, I was led through a series of questions that required me to think new thoughts and formulate ideas I hadn’t given much thought to. And honestly, I stumbled through many of them. A lot of the questions had to do with my own perception of culture and how it affects my life. In many cases, I answered the questions more in line with my beliefs about IDENTITY, rather than culture.

But it didn’t matter, because there are no wrong thoughts or answers when someone is engaging in order to learn—-there were no judgments.

But what surprised both of us, was how completely fun the conversation was. There were surprises in the conversation for my interviewer (my growing up in Alaska, but feeling most at home in New York City, my deep desire to be an FBI agent and my sorrow over having aged out of this possibility, and my description of coffee culture and crossfit culture and church culture and how these environments have helped shape my perspective on life.)

At some point in the exercise, it stopped being an assignment and became a live, engaging conversation.

And I walked away feeling DELIGHTED in. Not in a male-female way—-in a human way. My interviewer asked clarifying questions, reflected back answers to confirm what I was saying, and followed me down rabbit trails—-at first out of protocol—-but then out of genuine interest in me as a person.

I walked away realizing what a genuine gift it was to be seen and heard without any fear of judgment and how deeply encouraging it was to have someone freshly excited by my story. I realized how rare I truly hand that gift to others in the complete way it was given to me.

I like to think I have a great circle of friends, which extends beyond set groups. I have friends in my life from childhood, and friends in town who attend other churches. I have colleagues who have become friends and friends from coffee shops who have stayed in my life past the morning coffee. And I would characterize most of my friends as good listeners. It’s not that no one ever listens to me, and it’s not that I feel judged by my friends.

But I think I can do better—-and I think we can do better. I’ve started watching how I conversate. And I’m endeavoring to slow down to try and fully hear whomever I’m talking to. And respond in a way which meets their need—-rather than excitedly sharing how my idea connects to theirs.

I want to learn how to make others feel DELIGHTED in, rather than just heard. I want to offer that extra step beyond being understood. I want to project acceptance and a WOW to the story of the person unfolding in front of me. What a great gain that could come from a few tweaks of unselfishness to good habits most of already possess.

Photo by Alphacolor on Unsplash

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