One summer during high school I worked at a little tourist store. We got visitors from all over the world, but I could always tell when someone from New York walked in. Without fail, they were loud and assertive and took over the whole atmosphere of the small shop. Once, upon learning that we didn't have changing rooms, a lady whipped off her shirt, replacing it with one of our T-shirts in one deft move. I looked at her wryly and remarked, "You're from New York, aren't you?"

I was right. So when I eventually made "the City" my home I knew what I was getting myself into. I fully expected New Yorkers to be loud, rude, and confrontational. And they did not disappoint. The night I drove my Ford Escort into the city to make New York my home, my friend Jill and I ended up staying at a midtown youth hostel. On the ground floor there was a deli and I went down to grab a bite to eat. The menu had a large sandwich section. In small print, the sandwich section listed items which could be added for a small sub-charge. Tomatoes were on the list.

Cue the drama. The cashier tried to charge me extra for tomato on a BLT because of said fine print. But I was ready for her and didn't back down. First day and already having to assert myself. My brothers would tell you that I have never had an issue asserting myself. To which I would reply, "Yes, because you taught me well!"

As I lived in New York and began to assimilate to the culture--I realized that what others outside interpreted to be rude or assertive or confrontational or abrupt had a logic to it once you lived in a large metropolis. It was ALL ABOUT TIME.

In New York City you spend so much of your time commuting. To get anywhere and I mean anywhere, it takes at least an hour. Most people spent at least 2 hours a day commuting. More if they had friends they wanted to see. One particularly tough winter during blizzard season, I spent 5 hours roundtrip getting to work and back on a daily basis. 5 hours.

Because of the commute factor, everything was about saving time. Need a newspaper? Walk into the local bodega, grab a newspaper, walk to the front of the line, put your change down and walk out. PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE. Everyone knew how much the paper cost. No need to wait. Drop and go.

In a conversation? Talk fast, get to the point, dispense with the niceties, SAY IT ALREADY. Everyone got it and everyone did it. Have a beef with someone? Ain't no one got time for that. Say your peace, emote at top volume (being passive aggressive or beating around the bush is a precious waste of time!)--get to it so the other party could yell back in real time and then life could go on with no wasted moments.

I remember being back home in Sitka by the Sea, walking down our one and only main street. People I DID NOT KNOW (and keep in mind a one minute walk took 15-20 minutes because you knew 95% of the people you saw) would dare to look me in the eye and then---GET THIS---smile! In my head I'm thinking---'Don't they know how rude they're being? Don't they get how long it takes to stop, look them in the eye and smile back?????!!!? They are so rude!'

Once you lived with the same time constraints as everyone in the city, what once seemed rude or abrupt you understood to be expedient, thoughtful even.

What I also learned, is that while many New Yorkers seemed tough as nails on the outside (especially the women)--once they knew you were ahright? They would give their right arm for you.

Nothing showed me this clearer than an incident with one of my student's moms. She was there every afternoon to pick up her daughter. And complain. Every day there was something to point out that I was doing wrong. I was new to teaching, new to the Bronx, and convinced that kindness would conquer all. I would smile, gently reassure her on whatever the issue of the day was and then slink away wishing she would leave me alone.

One day her complaint was about popcorn. I shouldn't give students popcorn. Her daughter might choke. Hadn't I thought this through? Popcorn was the enemy. I taught 2nd grade. And I'd had enough. I looked at her with attitude and belted out, "They are seven. They are not going to choke. It will be fine." You might have thought I parted the Red Sea. All it took was one act of assertion and everything changed. From that moment on, she was my biggest fan. In fact, she began bringing me food on a regular basis and by the end of the year had even cooked lunch for the entire class.

I might have considered this an aberration, but one of my pastors also told me that the tide shifted in our friendship after I stood up for myself the first time. There was a certain law of the jungle there that you had to bare your teeth and show yourself unafraid before you'd be accepted into the tribe, but once you did? They would give you the shirt off their back.

Everything about life in New York is hard. So once you proved that you had grit and backbone, people had your back. One of my favorite examples of kindness shown was on a day I was driving home in hazardous snow conditions. I was on the East Side, getting ready to cross the Queensborough Bridge when my car died and would not restart. I was on a busy street and there was nothing I could do. I didn't own a cell phone, so I sat in my car as traffic honked and diverted around me. I figured a policeman would show up and help me eventually.

After a few honks, folks around me realized I was in trouble. Before I knew it, men came running from everywhere, about 6 of them and they asked how they could help. They pushed my car to a safe place and called a tow truck for me. One of them had rushed down from a skyscraper when he realized I was stuck. He gave me his business card and told me I could call upon him if I ever needed help again (Who does this?) New Yorkers do. That's who.

Another time? A policeman in an unmarked car pulled me over for making an illegal turn. But as he was writing the ticket, he told me that he had a quota of tickets to fill and that I should show up and contest the ticket. That he would be sure it didn't stick. I showed up, nervous as all get out. He gave no indication whatsoever of remembering me. When it was my turn, we both stepped up to the judge's window (which was like a bank teller's window). The police officer told the judge that he had left the summons book with my ticket at home by mistake, and just like that the ticket was thrown out. A New Yorker helping another New Yorker out. Just because.

I have lots of New York stories like these which only goes to show that it's easy to misjudge an entire culture if you haven't experienced the culture from the inside.

Isn't it true that it's also just so easy to judge another person too? There are so many factors that go into making up who each one of us is. The way we view time, conflict, and relationships. How much physical space we need between us to feel safe or to feel connected. How we value relationships and whether independence or interdependence matters more.

Some of us look people in the eye to show respect. Some of us do not give direct eye contact as a show of deference to authority. Think about that. COMPLETELY OPPOSITE ACTIONS WITH THE SAME HEART BEHIND BOTH. No wonder we misjudge one another so easily and so often.

And the list goes on and on.

Martin Luther said it best. "We are all mere beggars showing other beggars where to find bread." We're all doing the best we can with what we've been given. Isn't it time to give one another a break and assume positive intent?

Someday if I'm stuck in the snow, I'd like to think you'd stop and take the time to get me to safety and call a tow truck. I would hope you would believe the same about me if it happened to you.

And whatever you've read about New Yorkers? The truth is that they are some of the kindest, most genuine, fiercest people you will ever meet.

Photo by Andre Benz on Unsplash

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