In Times Alone

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"This is the place?" Dino asked.

"Yup.  Every time I go in here, the owner gropes me on the arm and tries to get me to go into the back with him."

The men on the team were outraged and we made a stop at the eastern clothing store, solely for my benefit, so the men could catch the guy in the act and then take some action.  What action, I'm not sure since we were all teenagers on a missions trip, but their chivalry both flattered and amused me.  In Alaska where I grew up, women were independent and strong and I wasn't used to this kind of male protection.

The 9 of us walked into the store and quickly spread out, looking at everything.  The boys kept a close eye on me for the first few minutes in the small store, but soon got distracted.  The owner was at my side in a second, squeezing my upper arm and making eye rolling motions towards the back of the store as he always did.  I refused him again, and when we exited the store, the boys bragged, "Well, at least he didn't come on to you tonight."

"Yes he did," I had to inform them, and they were incredulous, both at the man's boldness, and their lack of noticing in the few minutes we had been there.  I laughed it off, but clearly there were some things I would just have to take care of on my own.

Jump to 11 years later.  I had moved to the city, and was in my first year of teaching.  My Ford Escort, which had driven across country with me, was barely holding on.  I was driving home from work on a service road alongside the LIE,  but had to stop at my doctor's office as I hadn't been feeling well and had developed a light rash.

Suddenly, without warning, my car caught on fire.  I don't know about you, but I had seen tons of car fires on TV, and every single one of them ended with the car blowing up.  I pulled over, and looked around me quickly for someone to help.  In a city of 8 million people, where it's nearly impossible to truly have privacy, NOT A SINGLE SOUL was around.  I rolled my eyes, jacked up the hood of my car, took my coat off and beat the flames out myself.  I left my car where it was and walked the rest of the way in the snow to my doctor's office.  There, I was told that I had chicken pox and would need to be off work for 10 days.  

Sometimes? No matter how great of friends we have, or church community we are a part of? Sometimes we have to face our problems alone.  At times, they might be small like warding off an unwanted advance.  At other times, they could be something huge.  But that feeling of being alone is like salt added to food; it heightens the taste.  It makes the thing we are facing that much more daunting because no one who loves our heart is there to witness our pain.  No one who believes in us is there to witness the struggle, and the strength.  No one who comforts us is there to hold us until it's over.  It's just us and the beast.

I think, ironically, the One who Loves us Best is the one who brings us to these moments. Sometimes, I think He does it to show us what we're made of.  If someone else is always there to help lift the rock, how will we ever know we can lift it ourselves?

More often though, I think He does it when He gets lonely for us.  In a world where we don't even have to pick up a phone anymore to make contact with multitudes of people at once and where in 5 seconds on Facebook, everyone can know what kind of day we are having or can give us advice on something----how tough it must be for the Lover of our Souls to get our attention. I think sometimes, He wants it to be just Him and us facing the lion.  I think fighting battles with us has to be one of His favorite forms of fellowship.

Some of my best memories with friends are specific conversations.  But more of them?  Are shared experiences.  I know God loves when we pray and when we worship.  But I still remember the first time I ever led our community group.  I felt His presence in a very different way than I ever have in worship.  It was like He was sitting right beside me and we led together. I asked Him what was next all night, and His voice was crystal clear.  Yet He didn't command, more like co-led.  We got to do something together.  It's one of my best God memories.

We can never truly be alone.  He is always there in the wings, waiting for our invitation.  I can't wait for our next adventure, even though sometimes they look like problems in the beginning.

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Photo Credit:  Namphuong Van on Unsplash.

https://unsplash.com/@namphuong

The God who Meets us

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"Are you looking for a place?" 

My Spanish teacher and I were walking around town, following up housing leads.  For my 2nd summer in Guatemala, I had been a bit more adventurous than my first trip.  I had lined up Spanish schools and homestays in 3 different towns, one off the beaten path.  

I was in the infamous hippie town, San Pedro La Laguna, on Guatemala's beautiful Lake Atitlan, whom Aldous Huxley termed "the most beautiful place in the world."  My homestay was not a place I felt comfortable, so I was looking for a new place to call home for the 2 weeks I'd be studying there.  My Spanish teacher was helping me.

Evidently my mission to find housing was easily discerned by the local who approached us that morning.  After a brief conversation, my teacher and I followed the chapin down a narrow path toward the lake.

For less than a 20 minute phone call home to my Mom, I could rent a cute little home 1000 feet from the lake (closest thing to heaven on this earth), and 1/4 mile from my school.  FOR 2 WEEKS.  2 WEEKS!  The things dreams are made of.  Happening.  To ME.  No.  FOR ME.

Throughout my life, there have been these moments.  These times where the God of the Universe has stooped down and offered His hand.  Times when He has shown up to do something special just because I'm His kid.  Just to let me know He still sees me, and that He is near.  

The times when I notice these favors most?  Is when I've stepped out of the boat AT HIS WORD, and am obeying something He has spoken specifically into my life.  In this case, it was the call to become fluent in Spanish.  

Obedience has it's rewards.  This God who meets us in prayer, in great worship services, in our quiet study times, in the eyes of the people we meet, also meets us AS WE GO.  As we obey.

And His rewards tend to be better than what we ask Him for.  Like a good Dad, He only gives the best gifts.

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No Tears Tonight

Being one half Native American, and one half Caucasian there have been times in my life when folks more into race than I am have looked upon me as representing “the voice” of Native Americans or Alaskan Indians.  If they knew my family nothing could be further from the truth.  We were raised very’ typical of anyone else in the US, with maybe the exception of eating a bit more salmon and fish eggs.

In the same way, these thoughts tonight belong to me alone and not those of singles everywhere. 

As I sit here on Valentine’s Day night alone, there are no tears.  I am not sad about being single, I am not mourning my years without a sweetheart, and I am not lonely.  Truth be told, if it weren’t for all the Facebook posts, I likely would have forgotten it was a holiday.

It seems to me that there are often only 2 responses to singles and singlehood.  Either we are pitied, or we are invisible.  Those who pity often see marriage as the only true path to happiness and so view singles as individuals deeply lonely, longing for true love.  The other group seemingly dismiss singles out of hand, almost like we belong to a different race. This group would rarely qualify us as close friends, nor recognize our gifting as being truly valuable until attached to another’s.

If one counts singlehood from age 18, then I have been single for 29 years.  I have known seasons of deep loneliness, with great desire to have one person to give all of myself to, rather than having to be satisfied with a number of friends knowing parts of my soul.  I have felt alone on holidays, and known what it’s like to sit amongst strangers to celebrate because those closest have not always been the ones to invite.  And I’ve planned my wedding more times than I could say, as age and circumstances have changed my tastes and close girlfriends.  It IS hard to accept that I will never hold a baby that has my genes, and just as hard to have tasted what its like to share a man’s bed and yet never now get to fall asleep in a man’s embrace. 

But these momentary sorrows are fleeting in the bigger scheme of Gods will.  I know that I know that I have had God’s best for my life.  He gave me 10 years of great adventure, including 4 years of working in the South Bronx, in the nation’s poorest congressional district, in the police precinct with the highest rape and homicide rate in the nation.  I passed junkies with needles still in their arms walking to the the subway, I nurtured a generation of crack kids, I was entrusted with the Fathers hardest little ones, right at the age of accountability. 

Singlehood has afforded many other adventures such as 11 weeks in Guatemala, traipsing all over the country, mixing with locals, making friends.  9 years in a powerful local church in El Barrio, NYC known for the prophetic, and marked by the presence of the Lord.  A summer in Lexington, Kentucky learning lessons from folks who could not be more different than I.

I do not know why my road has not yet included a husband.  But I do know that its ok.  My life is full, it is rich emotionally, it has its moments of great adventure, and of deep relationship.  God supplies All of His children’s needs through Himself and through the body.  He just uses a greater variety of folks to meet the needs of singles.

When you think of me, your single friend, I don’t want to be pitied.  I might be happier than you, and I am a whole, complete person, in and of myself.  I want to be respected as one who has learned to love and initiate, without having the emotional security of a spouse.  I want to be seen for what I've overcome and not for what or whom I lack.  I want to be seen for who I am and what I bring to the table, not seen as one who is awkward to seat because I’m not a pair.  I want to be a real friend, even if I can’t offer a matching friend for your spouse, and I don’t have children that can play with your children.  I want to be seen, not walked past, unheeded.

It is Valentine’s Day, and I am home alone.  There are no tears.  And I am not lonely.  I am in Gods perfect will and I know who loves me.